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Catching up wit CAB

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Saturday’s Game at American Standard Stadium on the Brazos was turned into a tribute to Art Briles despite all efforts by the Baylor Administration to make it a football game. So, it seems appropriate to interview CAB himself about the events.


Coach, how have you been since your big payday this spring?

CAB Well, it’s been tough. I thought I could get a job in the NFL so I made the trial run with the Browns. I figured nobody pays attention to them but still there was enough publicity that they sent me on my way after a week. Then, in college football, it looks like Gus Malzahn may have saved his job. I really thought Auburn was the one school morally depraved enough to hire me. You know what with buying a title with sCam Newton and being proud of it. I continue to follow the advice of my PR people and lawyers, I mean I continue to pray about it, but now that the Baylor BOR has started to let some stuff leak out, my efforts to portray myself as the victim may not work.

Well, that’s tough Coach but let’s talk about this week.

CAB Well, I was really touched that the coaching staff decided to make this week a statement about me and not football. Their use of social media and the fan bases t shirt campaign made it clear that this was about me. They showed how little respect they have for Grobe or Baylor and that it was all about me. And that was appropriate because I got them all huge salaries when most of them couldn’t get any other job so it was about me. If I can’t be there the next best thing is to see Baylor collapse completely so everyone knows it was really just me. It wasn’t about the team, it wasn’t about the school, it wasn’t about the kids, it wasn’t about the so called victims, it was about me. And they set more records in the process.

What records were you talking about Coach, most expensive employee in history? You may wind up costing them 8 digits.

CAB Well, my payout alone was into 8 digits so I am going for 9 digits. When you count legal fees, payoffs, fines, settlement, salaries for my accomplices etc., we should easily get there. And that doesn’t even count lost future revenue once the program goes down in flames. By the time this is over the Texas Bar association will build a statue for me. But no, that wasn’t the record was I was talking about, we were going for the largest home loss in history by a ranked team to an unranked opponent. And I think at 40 points we may have gotten it.

Were you worried when Baylor got the long td on the second play?

CAB Well if you look closely, our WR pushed off and then scored. To break a rule and not only get away with it but to benefit from it was what I was all about. And to do it with a player that any other school in America would have kicked off, just made it sweeter. I knew it was a tribute to me and what I stood for. Remember, it’s about me.

Thanks Coach, I missed that part. Were you concerned that TCU was the beneficiary of all this? After all, Gary Patterson is not only the anti- you but he was one of the few to call you out before it became public.

CAB Well, that was unfortunate and TCU may feel good today, but we haven’t got the PR staff involved yet. By Monday, this may be a non-win for them.


Thank you for your time coach

CAB Always happy to spin for the brand. Now I need to find a rock in the sun to lie on and I’m sure you need a shower.


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