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Luke Chisolm

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This Florida Man Allegedly Had Sex With A Tree Before Stabbing A Cop With His Own Badge

Have you heard of this new drug that’s the hottest craze in Florida right now? It’s a synthetic drug called Flakka, and it apparently makes bath salts look like Red Bull. NBC News describes it as being “more potent and more addictive than its synthetic predecessors,” and it’s already been responsible for incidents such as a man trying to kick down the door of a police station, and another man impaling himself on a spiked fence outside of a police station. Basically, it sounds like it turns you into the zombies from 28 Days Later.

Flakka was also responsible for the alleged spree by the 41-year-old man you see in the above mugshot, Kenneth Crowder of Melbourne, Fla., who witnesses claim was running naked through a neighborhood yelling that he was a god, and eventually “committed a sexual act on a tree.”

He didn’t stop there, reports Orlando’s WKMG 6 News:

A Melbourne police officer went to the area and confronted Crowder, who was wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt, officials said. Crowder walked toward the officer in an aggressive manner and identified himself as God, according to police.

The officer used a Taser on Crowder, but he pulled the probes out of his body and continued to fight, police said. Crowder was shocked a second time, but he again pulled out the probes and went at the officer with clenched fists, according to police.

http://uproxx.com/webculture/2015/04/this-florida-man-had-sex-with-a-tree-before-attempting-to-stab-a-cop-with-his-own-badge/

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This Florida Man Allegedly Had Sex With A Tree Before Stabbing A Cop With His Own Badge

Have you heard of this new drug that’s the hottest craze in Florida right now? It’s a synthetic drug called Flakka, and it apparently makes bath salts look like Red Bull. NBC News describes it as being “more potent and more addictive than its synthetic predecessors,” and it’s already been responsible for incidents such as a man trying to kick down the door of a police station, and another man impaling himself on a spiked fence outside of a police station. Basically, it sounds like it turns you into the zombies from 28 Days Later.

Flakka was also responsible for the alleged spree by the 41-year-old man you see in the above mugshot, Kenneth Crowder of Melbourne, Fla., who witnesses claim was running naked through a neighborhood yelling that he was a god, and eventually “committed a sexual act on a tree.”

He didn’t stop there, reports Orlando’s WKMG 6 News:

A Melbourne police officer went to the area and confronted Crowder, who was wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt, officials said. Crowder walked toward the officer in an aggressive manner and identified himself as God, according to police.

The officer used a Taser on Crowder, but he pulled the probes out of his body and continued to fight, police said. Crowder was shocked a second time, but he again pulled out the probes and went at the officer with clenched fists, according to police.

http://uproxx.com/webculture/2015/04/this-florida-man-had-sex-with-a-tree-before-attempting-to-stab-a-cop-with-his-own-badge/

Sex with a tree? That is taking "wood" to a new level.
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Hey...he was trying to impress his girl. Didn't anyone ever do something stupid to impress you???

I've been posting on TCU message boards since 1997 to impress Frisky 

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I've been posting on TCU message boards since 1997 to impress Frisky

Keep trying, sweetie. It'll happen someday.

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I've been posting on TCU message boards since 1997 to impress Frisky 

 

 

So...since well before lil Frisky was even born.

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So...since well before lil Frisky was even born.

I'm playing the long game 

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Try pancakes.

On the bright side, I still like pancakes 

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This was too good not to re-post...

Golden Tickets to Heaven:

ACKSONVILLE, Florida –

Tito and Amanda Watts were arrested over the weekend for selling “golden tickets to heaven” to hundreds of people. The couple, who sold the tickets on the street for $99.99 per ticket, told buyers the tickets were made from solid gold and each ticket reserved the buyer a spot in heaven — simply present the ticket at the pearly gates and you’re in.

selling-golden-tickets.jpg

“People can sell tickets to heaven,” a Jacksonville police spokesman said. “But the Watts misrepresented their product. The tickets were just wood spray painted gold with ‘Ticket To Heaven – Admit One’ written in marker. You can’t sell something as gold when it’s not. That’s where the Watts crossed the line into doing something illegal.”

Tito Watts said in his police statement:

I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold… it ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space. I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine. You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free. So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up…

Amanda Watts said in her police statement:

We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched.

Police said they confiscated over $10,000 in cash, five crack pipes and a baby alligator.

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This was too good not to re-post...

 

"...You can’t sell something as gold when it’s not. That’s where the Watts crossed the line into doing something illegal.” Why oh why didn't they say "Golden Tickets"??? That would have been totally legal apparently if they were, in fact, golden colored.

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In all fairness, Jesus does already have a rap sheet.

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In all fairness, Jesus does already have a rap sheet.

This is probably my favorite post of all time 

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This is probably my favorite post of all time

You're too kind. Thanks, but personally, I have to go with HFrog1999's "It was Barzilli all along" after Monday night's game.

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You're too kind. Thanks, but personally, I have to go with HFrog1999's "It was Barzilli all along" after Monday night's game.

I didn't get that one 

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I didn't get that one 

 

Godfather reference.  "I didn't know until this day that it was Barzini all along ..."

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Godfather reference.  "I didn't know until this day that it was Barzini all along ..."

Oh, geez. Sure. I was always more of a Goodfellas guy, though. 

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